Don't dwell in the past, they say.
I keep chanting this wise words as my thought start to wander.
I guess all house work, however simple and short they may be, can make people meditate on their life...their past, their future, and strangely rarely about their present.
It is true that the past cannot be redone, nor that it can be abolished.
Very strange that so often we dwell in it so often, too often.
Maybe it's true that an idle mind is a dangerous mind, I must say,
for it limits our sights from seeing the present as it is and impedes us from dealing it accordingly.
The time I spent in the Company had become my therapy, I guess. I have to admit that I am indeed...very very lucky. Somebody up there must have loved me so much, huh... :)
Thank you...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 5, 2008
No need to say goodbye - Narnia|the Call
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before
All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye
If
Maybe I was born on the wrong year. Sometimes I do wish that I was born 19 years earlier. Tapi nggak kan?
and I do wonder what would happen if.....
But then my next question would be, would I gamble everything I am, for whatever I would have been?
For I know that what I won't have have already been determined just by the decision itself,
...while what i will have in turn is in the realm of the unknown.
Would I gamble that?
One can be as daring as a tiger in some things,
but can be as coward as a cat in other things.
and I do wonder what would happen if.....
But then my next question would be, would I gamble everything I am, for whatever I would have been?
For I know that what I won't have have already been determined just by the decision itself,
...while what i will have in turn is in the realm of the unknown.
Would I gamble that?
One can be as daring as a tiger in some things,
but can be as coward as a cat in other things.
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Perfect Man
For me this very moment, the perfect man is the man who...
...walks by the side of the woman he loves; not in front of her and let her chase him around, and not on her back to let her got lost on her own...
a partner.
...is not ashamed of her, not ashamed for being seen with her, not ashamed for sharing his laugh and tears with her...
...sitting in the same table, enjoying tea while feelings are poured and soothed, I figure that his voice is gentle, tender, calm and soothing. He speaks as if singing.
and he is modest, a very simple man with no prejudice whatsoever...as if he is a boy, admiring how beautiful green the lake is, how nice the sounds when the breezing wind asks the bamboo trees to dance.
and he likes to laugh...he laugh at himself as well, maybe more than others. I guess that`s how modest he is.
He would yell and sing in the stadium, watching a game...and his spirit is contagious to those around him....as if light that is warm, that lingers.
I guess.....it was because he is sincere...sincere.
...walks by the side of the woman he loves; not in front of her and let her chase him around, and not on her back to let her got lost on her own...
a partner.
...is not ashamed of her, not ashamed for being seen with her, not ashamed for sharing his laugh and tears with her...
...sitting in the same table, enjoying tea while feelings are poured and soothed, I figure that his voice is gentle, tender, calm and soothing. He speaks as if singing.
and he is modest, a very simple man with no prejudice whatsoever...as if he is a boy, admiring how beautiful green the lake is, how nice the sounds when the breezing wind asks the bamboo trees to dance.
and he likes to laugh...he laugh at himself as well, maybe more than others. I guess that`s how modest he is.
He would yell and sing in the stadium, watching a game...and his spirit is contagious to those around him....as if light that is warm, that lingers.
I guess.....it was because he is sincere...sincere.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Hari Terakhir
Hari ini adalah hari terakhir salah seorang anggota tim akan berada di tengah-tengah kami. Lucu...ia masih ada di sini namun rasa kehilangan itu telah muncul.
Dia adalah teman yang baik. Entah kapan akan bertemu lagi.
Di tim ku yang lalu, aku telah mendengar pelajaran tentang melupakan seseorang, tentang tidak menganggap personal (ataupun emosional) apapun (repeat: kita ini alat. mereka itu alat. kita semua adalah alat. alat tidak memiliki perasaan. Alat hanya menjalankan tugas dan tidak lebih). Aku bahkan sudah mengetahui betapa berbahayanya punya perasaan terhadap anggota tim. Perasaan yang aku maksudkan di sini adalah persahabatan atau persaudaraan, tapi tidak tertutup kemungkinan perasaan yang lainnya juga..
kau tahu kenapa tidak boleh?
Karena perpisahan itu adalah pasti
dan mereka yang memiliki perasaan dapat merasakan bahwa perpisahan itu sakit.
Dia adalah teman yang baik. Entah kapan akan bertemu lagi.
Di tim ku yang lalu, aku telah mendengar pelajaran tentang melupakan seseorang, tentang tidak menganggap personal (ataupun emosional) apapun (repeat: kita ini alat. mereka itu alat. kita semua adalah alat. alat tidak memiliki perasaan. Alat hanya menjalankan tugas dan tidak lebih). Aku bahkan sudah mengetahui betapa berbahayanya punya perasaan terhadap anggota tim. Perasaan yang aku maksudkan di sini adalah persahabatan atau persaudaraan, tapi tidak tertutup kemungkinan perasaan yang lainnya juga..
kau tahu kenapa tidak boleh?
Karena perpisahan itu adalah pasti
dan mereka yang memiliki perasaan dapat merasakan bahwa perpisahan itu sakit.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Jogja dan Kilasan Masa Lalu
Jogja selalu menjadi tempat yang begitu tua dalam benakku, sekalipun dalam benakku sekalipun tak pernah kota yang pernah menjadi ibukota negara itu setua kota-kota dimana papi dan mamiki dibesarkan. Ada sesuatu yang membuatnya unik, dan udaranya terasa berbeda ketimbang kota-kota lainnya; udaranya begitu pekat dan begitu panas, sekalipun tak sepanas Surabaya; dan kenangan yang aku miliki di dalamnya, yang tak akan tergantikan oleh apapun, bahkan oleh kenangan lainnya.
Di kota inilah aku pertama bekerja di luar kotaku sendiri, bahkan sebelum aku lulus kuliah.
Di kota inilah aku merasakan menjadi mandiri untuk pertama kalinya (dan pada awalnya, tentu saja semuanya terasa seperti mimpi buruk, namun mau bagaimana lagi....satu-dua hari kemudian segalanya terlihat lebih baik, dan jujur aku sungguh merasa sedih saat berpisah dengan Naoto di bandara, aku bahkan merasa sedih saat meninggalkan hotel bagus itu, yang lama-kelamaan terasa seperti rumah, suaka, sanctuary.
Bodoh bgt deh.
dan minggu lalu, aku mengunjungi kota itu lagi.
Perasaan yang aneh menyusupiku.
Aku tahu bahwa itu bukan kota yang sama.
Biar bagaimanapun.....
Thanks, P. You've made the city more livable. I am so certain that I will do nothing but ranting if you're not around.
Di kota inilah aku pertama bekerja di luar kotaku sendiri, bahkan sebelum aku lulus kuliah.
Di kota inilah aku merasakan menjadi mandiri untuk pertama kalinya (dan pada awalnya, tentu saja semuanya terasa seperti mimpi buruk, namun mau bagaimana lagi....satu-dua hari kemudian segalanya terlihat lebih baik, dan jujur aku sungguh merasa sedih saat berpisah dengan Naoto di bandara, aku bahkan merasa sedih saat meninggalkan hotel bagus itu, yang lama-kelamaan terasa seperti rumah, suaka, sanctuary.
Bodoh bgt deh.
dan minggu lalu, aku mengunjungi kota itu lagi.
Perasaan yang aneh menyusupiku.
Aku tahu bahwa itu bukan kota yang sama.
Biar bagaimanapun.....
Thanks, P. You've made the city more livable. I am so certain that I will do nothing but ranting if you're not around.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What is your dream?
a quiet walk in the forest,
enjoying the wind breeze by the lake,
or simply a quiet sky-gazing on the rooftop....
taking my parents for a pleasant trip abroad....
enjoying my morning coffee without thinking about anything but thanking the universe that I am alive....
free africa (and millions of ppl in asia, including my own country!) from poverty...
and...for women to be treated as fellow human being worthy to be loved just because.
I honestly dislike the idea that a woman should be beautiful, stay home do the housework and stay gentle;
I think they deserve to be themselves in every way,
and deserve to be loved just the way they are...
coz honestly the human beings won't stand a chance if all women in the universe go on a strike to refuse the idea of having more child, or having more time on *ehm*. Heheheh.
But that, of course, depend on the woman's hand to decide. ;)
enjoying the wind breeze by the lake,
or simply a quiet sky-gazing on the rooftop....
taking my parents for a pleasant trip abroad....
enjoying my morning coffee without thinking about anything but thanking the universe that I am alive....
free africa (and millions of ppl in asia, including my own country!) from poverty...
and...for women to be treated as fellow human being worthy to be loved just because.
I honestly dislike the idea that a woman should be beautiful, stay home do the housework and stay gentle;
I think they deserve to be themselves in every way,
and deserve to be loved just the way they are...
coz honestly the human beings won't stand a chance if all women in the universe go on a strike to refuse the idea of having more child, or having more time on *ehm*. Heheheh.
But that, of course, depend on the woman's hand to decide. ;)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
and yesterday was a day of good surprises
above all the things, Mr.R's visit made my day.
I thought he has no time.
I thought we would prefer to work from the client' site.
....and I thought he won't come.
R, do you know that you made my day?
It was such a great surprise that you came.
and even the busiest bumblebee can see
how shiny I was on that day that face show up to visit me
I thought he has no time.
I thought we would prefer to work from the client' site.
....and I thought he won't come.
R, do you know that you made my day?
It was such a great surprise that you came.
and even the busiest bumblebee can see
how shiny I was on that day that face show up to visit me
Monday, February 18, 2008
Neverland
Hari ini tiba-tiba teringat akan suatu hal di masa lalu, yang belum lama berselang masih menjadi pusat pikiranku, yang entah mengapa atau bagaimana terlewatkan begitu saja.
dan ya....nada suaraku pasti berubah. Bukan karena apa-apa, tapi lebih karena lebih mudah demikian. Toh di klien yang satu itu aku tidak pernah begitu
Aku pikir aku pasti membuatnya kesal, dan mukaku pasti sangat tidak enak dilihat saat ini (dan dia pasti sama sekali tidak menyangka lagu apa yang aku sumpalkan di telingaku saat ini! dan kalaupun dia tahu, sepertinya aku harus membuang jauh-jauh gambaran bahwa mereka akan berhenti menganggapku anak kecil. Sejujurnya, hidup memang lebih mudah dijalani sebagai anak kecil ketimbang orang dewasa, dan terkadang, bahkan mungkin sering, aku memanfaatkannya begitu saja ;p).
dan tahukah kau...
mungkin kebanyakan dari kita adalah kanak-kanak.
dan kita tinggal di negeri yang hati kita kenal sebagai Neverland :)
dan ya....nada suaraku pasti berubah. Bukan karena apa-apa, tapi lebih karena lebih mudah demikian. Toh di klien yang satu itu aku tidak pernah begitu
Aku pikir aku pasti membuatnya kesal, dan mukaku pasti sangat tidak enak dilihat saat ini (dan dia pasti sama sekali tidak menyangka lagu apa yang aku sumpalkan di telingaku saat ini! dan kalaupun dia tahu, sepertinya aku harus membuang jauh-jauh gambaran bahwa mereka akan berhenti menganggapku anak kecil. Sejujurnya, hidup memang lebih mudah dijalani sebagai anak kecil ketimbang orang dewasa, dan terkadang, bahkan mungkin sering, aku memanfaatkannya begitu saja ;p).
dan tahukah kau...
mungkin kebanyakan dari kita adalah kanak-kanak.
dan kita tinggal di negeri yang hati kita kenal sebagai Neverland :)
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Life of meaning
I must have looked so tired. But yes, maybe I do. The air conditioner makes me sore, and there is something in the air that does not really appealing to me though the atmosphere is lighter, warmer.
I want to move.
I want to do many things and experience many things. I guess, only in doing things, one can feel that one is truly alive; and only in doing things, one that is truly alive notice that the life he/she has has meaning.
Well I hope mine too.
I want to move.
I want to do many things and experience many things. I guess, only in doing things, one can feel that one is truly alive; and only in doing things, one that is truly alive notice that the life he/she has has meaning.
Well I hope mine too.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
feb 10-12
The rain outside had stopped, but the sky isn't clear yet.
It even turned dark already by the time I write this.
The team looks very occupied, but somehow the atmosphere is warmer
...like being home.
Why is it, I wonder; as I haven't said any word, not even when I feel really hungry.
The feeling that I need nothing more. Not even food. Not even the need to say something to make me feel better (some people do say something to feel better. Normally I would feel uneasy if I say nothing...as if neglecting people, being an ignorant.)
But today...nothing. Like floating in the air.
I guess this is what "content" means.
It even turned dark already by the time I write this.
The team looks very occupied, but somehow the atmosphere is warmer
...like being home.
Why is it, I wonder; as I haven't said any word, not even when I feel really hungry.
The feeling that I need nothing more. Not even food. Not even the need to say something to make me feel better (some people do say something to feel better. Normally I would feel uneasy if I say nothing...as if neglecting people, being an ignorant.)
But today...nothing. Like floating in the air.
I guess this is what "content" means.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Three months, and I learned...
that Mr. A should always have green tea
that Mr. T loves oreo
that Mr. R should always have his red bull
and I learned...
that whenever going to coffee shop,
not to offer Mr.A coffee, because he loves tea more than that dark delight begins with "c"
but
order grande vanilla latte for Mr.R, and cappuccino for Mr.T. They will be very happy, especially Mr.R.
Mood swing is the most fabulous.
Mr. A will need his chocolate, and a toblerone for himself.
Mr. T will need his Oreo (or KitKat), or gummi candies
while Mr.R likes candies the most, then Kit Kat and those light bars.
many many things I learned about them...and from them....
and yes, it is from them that I learned,
....that I love them :)
that Mr. A should always have green tea
that Mr. T loves oreo
that Mr. R should always have his red bull
and I learned...
that whenever going to coffee shop,
not to offer Mr.A coffee, because he loves tea more than that dark delight begins with "c"
but
order grande vanilla latte for Mr.R, and cappuccino for Mr.T. They will be very happy, especially Mr.R.
Mood swing is the most fabulous.
Mr. A will need his chocolate, and a toblerone for himself.
Mr. T will need his Oreo (or KitKat), or gummi candies
while Mr.R likes candies the most, then Kit Kat and those light bars.
many many things I learned about them...and from them....
and yes, it is from them that I learned,
....that I love them :)
at the entrance of farewell
I'm staying at Sony's team room today.
He has such a comfortable room to live in
to cry in
to laugh in
to smile at
Why didn't I realize that before?
How I dearly wish I can just fast forward this.
or rewind it all back.
I know it's stupid but I'm glad there's nobody in this room other than me.
I must have look like hell
Naah....
I think I look decent enough,
even now.
But I'm still glad nobody's here
coz I will confuse them.
They would wonder what happen
"Is there anything wrong?"
"what's the matter?"
they will ask me.
and there's nothing I can say to answer them
It's such an unwise thing to consider your team as your family.
It's so unwise to have feelings for them, affection, though apart from love.
How I love my team so much
I can't afford to let them go.
It's a childish feelings, I know, but it would have been so lovely to spend the rest of this day to let them go....to cry as long as possible. So that as tomorrow when I can see them again, they won't get to see this sobbing face. How lovely if on that day I'm already able to consider them otherwise, to not miss, to not long, to think that it's nothing to part. (gee how it sounds like a terrible lie I keep telling myself)
Tomorrow is just another day
and the coming of tomorrow might just mean the nearer I get to the day when I won't see them again. It's been quite some days that I woke up not feeling enthusiastic about the coming day. Because I know that they will not be around anymore.
How funny
At first you think that it is YOU who help them passing the days.
but at the end of everything, ...it's actually THEM who help you getting through the days....that it is almost unimaginable to spend the day without without thinking of them.
and yes. Even AD. I think I too will miss AD (though he's such a flirt! The kind of man you want to runaway from). I'm glad he's not occupying this room right now...'coz if he's here, maybe I would just cry in front of him (though I logically think it's not a wise thing to do).
I'm sooooo....STUPID!
Yet then again I think it's a wise thing to cry here and now, so tomorrow I can be a better person who smiles all day long without feeling so deceitful for smiling on the entrance of farewell. Yes I love them...and so what. They will stay in my mind, for the rest of eternity. And I will still love them, no matter where they are.
Because friendship....is in the heart.
and so as love.
He has such a comfortable room to live in
to cry in
to laugh in
to smile at
Why didn't I realize that before?
How I dearly wish I can just fast forward this.
or rewind it all back.
I know it's stupid but I'm glad there's nobody in this room other than me.
I must have look like hell
Naah....
I think I look decent enough,
even now.
But I'm still glad nobody's here
coz I will confuse them.
They would wonder what happen
"Is there anything wrong?"
"what's the matter?"
they will ask me.
and there's nothing I can say to answer them
It's such an unwise thing to consider your team as your family.
It's so unwise to have feelings for them, affection, though apart from love.
How I love my team so much
I can't afford to let them go.
It's a childish feelings, I know, but it would have been so lovely to spend the rest of this day to let them go....to cry as long as possible. So that as tomorrow when I can see them again, they won't get to see this sobbing face. How lovely if on that day I'm already able to consider them otherwise, to not miss, to not long, to think that it's nothing to part. (gee how it sounds like a terrible lie I keep telling myself)
Tomorrow is just another day
and the coming of tomorrow might just mean the nearer I get to the day when I won't see them again. It's been quite some days that I woke up not feeling enthusiastic about the coming day. Because I know that they will not be around anymore.
How funny
At first you think that it is YOU who help them passing the days.
but at the end of everything, ...it's actually THEM who help you getting through the days....that it is almost unimaginable to spend the day without without thinking of them.
and yes. Even AD. I think I too will miss AD (though he's such a flirt! The kind of man you want to runaway from). I'm glad he's not occupying this room right now...'coz if he's here, maybe I would just cry in front of him (though I logically think it's not a wise thing to do).
I'm sooooo....STUPID!
Yet then again I think it's a wise thing to cry here and now, so tomorrow I can be a better person who smiles all day long without feeling so deceitful for smiling on the entrance of farewell. Yes I love them...and so what. They will stay in my mind, for the rest of eternity. And I will still love them, no matter where they are.
Because friendship....is in the heart.
and so as love.
Flashback
Today among any other day that I typed that name on that screen with a big G.
"Kiyomizu"
and there I was, being absorbed into that atmosphere of Kyoto, the atmosphere I feel like I have known for so long...as if being born there...as if it's where I meant to keep going back to.
Those bamboo trees, those surroundings, small shops, small houses, with the sky that is bluer than ever....
and how I missed it so much.
How I miss him.
That tall figure walking with me through those paths,
sitting next to me facing the Sagano river with its orange light reflecting the dress robe of Sunset.
Where he is now, the sky shall know...
What will I say to him if he appears?
"How I have traveled a long way...
just to find out that my dream had come true
....that time when I was by your side."
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